Not Nineteen Forever

Sitting up here with my iPod just thinking about life and that.

I've struggled to find a job since I became unemployed in May, probably down to a mixture of it being difficult to find work and me not being motivated enough.

I mean, i'm not a dummy but i'm not the sharpest tool in the box either and if I can't even get a job as a mailroom assistant, what hope have I got. Sometimes I feel like picking admin at college was the biggest mistake I made with my life and not the wasted years at school after all.

Flipside of that is is that if I hadn't gone to college and done admin I wouldn't have gotten my Higher in English, which is the best thing that I have on my CV.

I deeply regret not going back to get my HNC in Admin, I try not to let on that my parents were right mostly because I believe that I have to be right like all of the time, but deep down I know that they were and I feel like I have really let myself down. At present I am looking to go back to college with an aim of doing something good and getting out the house because this unemployment is driving me mad, only thing stopping me doing that is my Jobseekers allowance I just don't know if I would get a bursary for the course.

Moving away from my not-so-rosy garden of academic excellence if you can even call it that and onto something a bit more personal.

I really liked this girl a while back and deep down I thought it was love, she was the first girl I actually liked, I was 16 and she was 15 at the time. We started out friends but then my feelings grew and grew. After just one year at our college she left and I stayed on to do my HNC where I met another girl who was just as nice as the previous one but myfeelings for the older one got in the way and I ended up rejecting her advances, weird huh?

We got back in touch around a year later and we met up and hung out a few times and it seemed like things would go well, which they were. I was coming to the end of my 2nd year at college and with my final exams approaching I was putting thoughts of them aside for this girl and the thought I might finally be able to get this girl and me going places. Bad move.

I failed and although we got close enough for her to give me my first kiss I still messed up and the way it was between me was exactly that - a past participle.

I'm over her now right enough and we remain friends, but the whole thing taught me something about life - there is no such thing as the perfect relationship and that even if you think that person is for you, you might not be for them. Pobodys Nerfect as the novelty hat says and thats a statement that rings true.

What I thought was love was just lust. I put that one down to age and inexperience.

Now I've moved on and stopped feeling sorry for myself over that episode of my life and I now have a group of friends around me, we have a laugh and we joke and I have plenty of time to find that someone. I'm not nineteen forever but i'm certainly not going to die tomorrow either. I also feel a lot better now that I've managed to blurt this out.

Now when Emma sees this she's going to give me hell for mentioning you know who :L

Peace and love,


MTS